In which I ramble about personal responsibility and attachment.

Sometimes we're given the opportunity to experience something very beautiful and empowering with another human being and it's only meant to last a fraction of a second. We can either accept that moment for all it's quiet beauty and be grateful, or we can get lost in attachment never feeling satisfied with what we've been given.
It's in the getting lost that the moment is ruined.
We spend so much time trying to recreate it that in the end we lose complete sight of the beauty and, we in effect, lose the ability to appreciate any future moments.

What am I talking about?
Stop grasping! We all wind up in romantic situations but getting grossly bent out of shape gets us NO WHERE. Longing is just another word for attachment/desire and those are some ugly feelings. How silly of us to turn the product of a beautiful experience into a bitter, nasty, biting one.

It's up to us how we want to leave these romantic situations. Why most people feel the absolute need to end things in a hateful way never really made sense to me. What's the point? Did you really spend 6 months/ 3 years/10 years with some one to hate them? At the end of the day you can either say, Hey thank you for allowing me to grow OR FUCK YOU, YOU GODDAMN STUPID SON OF A BITCH! The second is such a cheap and easy way out. It takes a lot of strength and self reflection to end things harmoniously.

Personal responsibility my friends... It's so easy to blame every one else for our problems but if we ever want to be in healthy fulfilling relationships then we have to start owning up to our actions. It doesn't matter what some one else did to us. What have I learned? How can I be a better person after this? Stop using past traumas as an excuse to run away. Yeah some one hurt you, holding on and being angry about it isn't going to help you love some one in the future. Either you can face your demons and cast them out or you hide behind them.

I know what you're thinking "god damn, it's so easy to talk the talk how 'bout you try doing it."
So let me bring it home.
I am a nurturer. I want, like and in a weird way, need, to take care of others and there's nothing wrong with that. There is, however, a huge problem with using that as an excuse to neglect yourself. Can I really take care of others if I stop taking care of myself? NO.
I need to stop trying to fix every one elses lives and sit myself down and fix my own. Is that selfish? For a long time I thought it was. I want and need to be a better person so that later I can help others become better people. I can't really lead a horse to water if I don't know where the water is, right? but I'm going off on a tangent.
What else am I owning up to? 1. I'm reintroducing myself to myself. Hi, Jenine this is Jenine. Reloving, regrowing, renurturing.
AND 2. I'm TERRIFIED of starting over.... LORD ALMIGHTY! (<--my newest catch phrase) The idea of starting a new relationship freaks me out, cold-sweat-panic. But I'm owning up to it. I'm building myself up first, letting myself rest in my single-hood. I don't want to be one of those people who gets involved only to push away the person they've with because they have needless unresolved issues. Having been on the other end I'm pretty determined.

So, I've learned a very serious lesson in attachment. I've finally learned how to experience some one elses beauty with out grasping, without losing myself in it or using it as an excuse to forget about my own potential. I'm grateful for the amazing people I've met and the healing effects they've offered which is another crazy post for another day. But seriously people can be healing and that just inspires me to become a source of healing for others.

After a lot of self reflection, and listening to other peoples relationship problems, I've found myself asking this question:
How can I be a better person now so that I can be a better partner later?


Remember, we are responsible for our own happiness, now what are you going to do to achieve it?



Mucho amor Y paz,
Iztac Metztli.

In Other Words... That woman is crazy.

No matter how well we end our relationships we're always left with little scars and when we end them negatively we're left with gashes. I've never been an insecure kind of person, I pride myself on my self confidence but.. sometimes you can't control the little scars your left with.. and I've been left to deal with insecurity which is really new for me.

Unless we're going to love and fully embrace who we are then what's the point in living? Equally important:
Unless we're with some one who is going to love and fully embrace who we are then what's the point of being with them?

I found myself bombarded with thoughts of, "Oh god.. am I being too weird? Too nerdy? should I stop talking about science... maybe I shouldn't share that I actually enjoy watching word girl and sesame street with my niece...Oh, there I go sounding like a feminist again.."
Hey man, if it embarrasses you that I can sing practically any Disney song, read all 7 harry potter books, have a love affair with space and have an overly idealistic out look on love and life then don't bother talking to me.
Lesson learned: I will never again try to modify what makes me happy in the hopes of making some one else comfortable.

I love being true to who I am. Jenine = quirky, eccentric, weird, socially awkward, nerdy, loving, laughing, moon, passionate, knowledge lover.
I believe in being raw, no fear.
Naturally, our instincts tell us that absolute vulnerability leaves us susceptible to injury.
But can we really be injured if we have total and complete faith in ourselves and what we have to offer?

The people who are meant to be in our lives may not understand our quirky eccentricities (and we may not understand theirs) 100% of the time but I guarantee they will love and appreciate you because of them.

Something else I learned is that I LOVE basking in other people's eccentricities. Open arm embrace, give me your weirdness.

Side tracking a bit, I was looking through my old writing and I found this from 2008:

THINGS I'M AFRAID OF

Intimacy
Vulnerability
Allowing some one to love me
Losing the people I've allowed to love me.
Letting go
Forgetting
Having to face my own expectations
Not fulfilling my expectations.
Discovering that I don't love myself as much as I say I do.

FIGHTING MY FEARS
Learn that there is no punishment for happiness.
Don't justify your insecurities by being analytical
Accept that you're afraid.
Accept that you love.
Accept the vulnerability of love
Stop being overly critical
Face what you don't know
Don't be afraid of losing what you've gained.

Mucho amor Y paz,
Iztac Metztli.

In the Guidance of Water.

Sometimes I forget that I'm only 23. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I surround myself with people who are either in their late 20's to early 30's. Don't ask me why but I've always felt severely disassociated from people my own age. Guess I just never felt the need for a party/drunk/can't remember who I slept with phase, not that I'm judging! I don't know why but I've been extremely blessed in knowing from a young age who I am and who I want to become.

So bringing it back. Some times I forget I'm only 23, I see all of these amazing/talented/grounded people and I get down about where I am. Shit, why I am I so far behind? Why haven't I fully activated my potential? I know I have a lot to offer, so why am I not offering it?
This is when I need to take a step back and accept my age.
All the good and beautiful things I'm supposed to do are yet to come.
As of right now I find myself very consciously beginning my journey. I'm being planted in my path and, to be honest, I've never felt more excited for the future.

Let's take it back about a week.

I learned a lot during my 3 day fast. Being completely dependent on water to nourish me, and praying with the intention of connecting to her, I was allowed to truly experience her essence.
The first day was great, nothing but laughter and love.
On the second day something in me collapsed.

My body felt broken, a deep internal fatigue that was more emotional than physical. Unresolved baggage weakening my blood stream. I did the only thing I could think of; I turned on the shower and sat at the bottom of the tub in child's pose, my forehead touching the cold white metal. My voice was a whisper of a prayer, "Please give me strength. Please give me strength. Please give me strength."
I let the water run until it reached my nose, beads slipping down my back. I started talking to the water, " I can't do this.. I need you to help me, please help me..."At this point I was practically in fetal position. I wanted to sink into the water, unravel into tiny particles, have my atoms swirl down the drain no longer responsible for having to carry the weight of my body.
I was tired of running, tired of fighting.
It's funny how when we find ourselves in states of total vulnerability that we're free to experience and accept what's always been there.

I felt something very powerful in that moment. It didn't feel like I was just laying in water. It was this overwhelming maternal embrace. I felt like I was in the womb. You know we spend our lives running away from our parents expectations determined to be our own people but lying there I realized that she has no expectations.
There is only unconditional love.

As a Buddhist I feel very connected to the Green Tara, a female Buddha who represents maternal love and protection, freeing us from fear. Because she see's us all as her own children, when we ask her for help she comes running, when we really need her she responds immediately.

For me, I experienced and interpreted the water as a living emanation of the Green Tara which really comes down to one thing: Love.

I felt a living vibration of loving kindness and compassion. It was so strong and so real that all I wanted to do was cry but the water stopped me. That's not what she wanted. The only thing she seeks is that we accept and understand that love.

In my state of total vulnerability I finally stopped running. Running from this weird concept of faith and dedication that I've never really been able to understand or accept but right there in that water I said, " I give you my faith, I place myself fully in your guidance. I accept everything you have to offer."

I know what you're thinking... Crazy Hippie?? Born again christian?? When I shared this with my brother he told me that I baptized myself without really knowing it and that in my own way I've accepted Jesus.

For as much as I like words sometimes I prefer not to use them. Even now in comparing the water to the Green Tara.
You can it call it Jesus, Green Tara, God, Consciousness whatever makes sense to you. I'd rather just call it Loving kindness. It exists, it's real and it's healing.

So in the short span of a week I learned this from the water.. and it told me something else. It told me to to go the desert. I'm leaving for New Mexico. I am a water carrier.. and I have no idea what's going to happen but I know it's going to be good.

Until then,

Mucho amor Y paz,
Iztac Metztli.

Green Tara/Tlazohteotl

You think only females can be sluts
While you try a little too hard
to put your hands down my pants
You think of yourself a little too highly
if you believe I'm going to let you slip into
the domain of my legs and thighs.

These are mine,

Poor men not understanding
I'm gracing them with the opportunity
to experience real beauty.

Green Tara guides me,
Maternal loving kindness,
Protection for those who are frightened.
The greatest gift I can offer is rest,
making my belly a home
when you're tired of running.
I exist only to embrace
and shake away
fear of the unknown
Those with good hearts
are allowed to enter only
as far as my palms
Where I trace their veins
from the tops of their heads to their centers

I am Tlazohteotl,
Basking in the warmth of self love
Radiating the healing powers of affection
outwards.

My body is a sacred Temple,
sanctified by the Moon.
You need only rest against it
to receive it's blessings.
If your intentions are transparent,
Your actions authentic,
My arms will find their way around
the outline of your shoulders.
What I have to offer exists only
for those who are brave enough
to accept it
Care for it like a treasure of polished jade
and quetzal feathers,
Make offerings of incense
and sunflowers.
Purifying in the smoke
of reflection,
Only in the carrying of maguey thorns,
in truly being here
for the service of others,

Will I allow you to enter.

He said, "Will you Marry Me?" She appropriately ran away and wrote a poem about it.

Reading spoken word and hearing spoken word are two very different creatures... It just isn't the same.. but we here we go.


Singing: We reach for the stars then fall below,
Never realize,
we're in the sky.

I tried so hard to show you,
you deserved to be in the sunlight
but you were so determined to live in the shadows of the night
that nothing I ever did was right.
Every day was a battle waged against your lack of self confidence.
Everyday was a battle waged against your insecurity.
Until I grew tired of fighting.
Having to remind you of your luminosity
Drained me.

Sining: We reach for the stars then fall below,
Never realize
we're in the sky.

And I really wanted to love you,
but you crumbled through my fingers like pieces of broken adobe.
No matter how much clay I used, you were never complete.
I couldn't fill the spaces between your broken limbs
Not with kisses or caresses
and it left me devastated.

Everything I did was an attempt to nurture you,
was an attempt to guide you.
I wanted to see you rise from the feet of your fallen ashes
because I knew how beautiful you looked when you were standing
but I forgot about myself so much that I ended up falling,
ended up cracking into fragments,
waited for you to show me the same kindness
but you left me splattered on the floor,
jagged edged and shapeless.

I guess your left hand and heart where to distant.
But what else could I expect from a man
who didn't know his own placement in the constellations.

I scraped myself up with my tongue,
super glued my shattered fingers,
wove wire through my vertebraes,
found my legs and promised to
never place myself in your possession
again.

Now you think you can buy me with a ring,
Forgetting that my fractured fingers
are still swollen.
For as much as I loved you
I stopped reaching,
took my place in the sky
for my own well being.
and I guess if you ever really cared to look up
you would've seen me.
But your still too busy staring at
crumbled pieces of adobe.

Singing: We reach for the stars then fall below,
Never realize,
We're in the sky.


Mucho amor Y paz,

Iztac Metztli.

Meditating on Love.

Recently out of a two and a half year relationship, I find myself coming back to these words.

"Meditate on Love."

When the Dalai Lama came to Chicago they resonated with me so strongly that I had to write them down. So often we loose ourselves in a concept of love that is synonymous with pain, attachment and suffering. I had to ask myself a lot of difficult questions. Do I function in this modern concept of romantic love or am I called for something higher? Do I pursue personal affection or being here for the service of others? Can I maintain myself spiritually AND be in a relationship?

Have I lived up to and truly represented the Buddhist concept of love?

Being absolutely honest, I lost sight of Buddhism and myself in those 2 years and only one thing brought me back and kept me grounded.

So I've meditated on love and it's all come down to my little heart. Her name is Liliana Yoliztli, a beautiful little girl whose luminous spirit guides and shows me true love with every smile, dance and kiss. The day my niece was born something changed in me. I cried when I saw her. I understood that Love in its simplest and most fundamental form means wanting others to be happy, truly happy.

The Buddha once said,

"See yourself in others, then whom can you hurt? What harm can you do? He who seeks happiness by hurting those who seek happiness will never find happiness. For your brother is like you. He wants to be happy. Never harm him and when you leave this life you too will find happiness.”

I saw myself in her, and wanted with everything that I am, for her to be happy. I now know what that love feels like and because of her I've been free to express it to all who enter my surroundings. Lili taught me what it meant to love without attachment, not seeking anything in return and feeling fulfilled because of it. There is no sense of insecurity, doubt, or fear in this love. It transcends and heals. I think of who I was before her and how, finally, after so many years I understand why I've tried so hard to be the person I am. Searching for love was never for myself, it was for her, because of her and now that she's here I'm overwhelmed by its depth and simplicity.

Kindness and affection whenever truly expressed, no matter how brief the moment or simple the gesture, have incredible healing powers. Kindness, love, affection, and warm heartedness, these are things that emanate from her being and now radiate through mine.

Little Yoli, teacher, imparter of wisdom. She is my medicine.
Have I answered any of those questions above? Not really because as of right now, they're not relevant. I've found what I'm looking for, there is no conflict between this love and spirituality because it is spirituality.. any way I'm rambling and highly emotional just thinking of her… so here goes a poem I started.

Om Mani Pema Hung.

I want to go back to a time where love was a fair exchange,
instead of needing to be paid with jealousy and possession.
Where everything stems from a lack of self acceptance.
See, we've convinced ourselves that the only way love can be expressed is through sex.
Convinced ourselves so much that all we've wound up is empty.
Constantly grasping, constantly wanting
Not understanding that we don't need somebody else's body to feel complete.

I'm at a point in my life where I just want to breathe...
Exhale love as a form of outward expression
Dance in conversations,
where our thoughts find illumination
and nothing is more beautiful
than the happiness that manifests
through our laughter.
We need to understand that true love,
begins from within
and until then,
Nothing will bring us real satisfaction.

I firmly believe that love means wanting other to be happy.
But I didn't understand that until you taught me.

When you were a baby I'd hold you against my chest
as you fell asleep.
Your little fist wrapping around my necklace.
I'd listen to the rhythm of your breathing
And I knew that for the rest of your life
I'd want you to be happy.
Didn't want you to get stuck in this misconception
of what love is,
and that's why I'm trying so hard to define it.

I didn't know love could be so simple.
As simple as sitting on the floor watching cartoons,
dancing around the room,
and reading books in made up languages.
I didn't really understand.. that love meant being happy
because I wasn't really happy until I found you.

The day I looked into your eyes,
I realized you were the definition of a blessing.
And if this is what it felt like then I wanted
everyone in the world to know that feeling.
You gave what the Buddha said, meaning.

And I know you may not be my baby
but for the rest of my life
the only love I want to express is the one you've taught me.


Om Mani Pema Hung.

In Need of Water.

It's been three years since I started actively carrying and working with water, my entire life that I've felt absolutely inseparable from it. What does it mean to be a water carrier, what type of work does it entail? I've noticed that water people don't talk much (myself included.) We're usually very tight lipped about the experiences that we share with this beautiful element but is that fair? Are we doing this work for ourselves, selfishly keeping what it teaches us, or are we here for the service of our communities which are in dire need of these lessons?
For the last two days I've been fasting. Nothing but water (expect for two moments of weakness were I drank coffee and chewed some gum... I chewed the gum! I swear I didn't eat it!)
I've begun to realize it's time we talked about our relationship with water.

In deep prayer I learned with sudden clarity, what I guess I already knew but never really acknowledged. Working with water means actively being in a relationship with yourself. We are Water and when we ignore the treatment of one our most sacred elements we in effect ignore our own well being. Standing by lake Michigan, watching all of the plastic bags, bottles, and garbage the complete lack of love and respect, I saw an exact reflection of ourselves. The water is sick, we are sick, we are sick because we've completely disassociated. Up to 70 % of our brains are water, what happens to that organ when we ingest water that is mutated? Can we truly transform our thoughts and behaviors unless we change our perception and role with water? How long can we contaminate before we understand that we're poisoning ourselves? In Buddhism we call it non duality understanding that everything springs from the same source, there's nothing that separates us from anything else. Interdependent nature. If I'm aware of the fact that absolutely everything I do to anything else directly affects me then I'm much less likely to project anything that is harmful.

After going to one of the best concerts of my life(Tinariwen) I've been thinking a lot about making a trip to the desert. Can I really understand water, appreciate it, in a society that's privileged enough to have immediate access to it? What will I learn when something so valuable is so rare? Will I develop a deeper understanding of interdependent nature, truly recognizing how desperately we need the things that surround us?

What I've learned so far is that Water is primordial mother. A fluctuation of maternal kindness and affection. No matter how we treat her, disregard and brutalize she continues to nourish us.
How can I encompass these qualities, offer myself in totality to nourish those who surround me? How can I flow with strength and understanding?
The last three years have been transformative to say the least. There's so much more I could say but for now I'm too hungry to think.
Mucho amor Y paz,
Iztac Metztli.