Day 2: Sitting in Reflection, Living in Laughter.

There will always be people who challenge/judge why and how we do things.

For example. I'm sure that some one out there is thinking, "WHY are you on the computer? You're supposed to be fasting in a deep state of reflection..." etc etc etc.

I reflect, analyze, deconstruct through writing. I will NOT do or share something unless it feels right. I know when I'm guided. At the end of the day my inner teacher is master of my actions. And what I've learned recently is that when I'm compelled to write it's because there's some one there that needs to read it.

Before I started fasting I took a couple of lessons from Grandmother Spider, "Let your thoughts, feelings, and actions express Truth, the Truth of who you are. For, when you come from this place of Truth, that heart of reality, you cannot in any way step upon the freedom and integrity of another. This is the Wisdom of Grandmother Spider." Something came to me after that, and that was laughter, Silliness, living with a heart of innocence. And that means allowing yourself to be true to who you are regardless of those who judge/challenge.

For the most part society has this idea that in order to be a "grown up," to be successful and taken seriously, we need to completely disassociate from who we were as children. Children aren't constant balls of chaos. Sure they laugh, they yell, they cry but their nature is also an inquisitive one. Where did god come from? Why is the sky blue? How big is space?

So as I sit here in reflection, fasting, I'm thinking about laughter. How much have I modified my "unconventional," "weird" behavior? How much have I restricted my child-like nature?

The last time I fasted I learned that my body was 100% responsive to my emotions. Being in a not-so-good place internally my body responded with physical pain/weakness. I'm in a better place and now that I know how much my mental/emotional states affect me (ESPECIALLY during fasting) I'm determined to laugh for the sake of my body. I know when to seat myself in discipline, in reflection, in study and I know when to laugh.

The Buddhist's who inspire me the most (Dalai Lama, Her Eminence Jetsun Khandro) are the one's who will bust out some humor half way through a very serious dharma talk, then just as easily go back to being deep and reflective.

Ask yourself, how much do you modify your inner silly? Call it back, let it out, enjoy it, laugh with it, show it some love.

Before I leave let me paraphrase (emphasis on PARAPHRASE) one of my favorite verses from the Tao Te Ching.

#41

The wise student upon hearing of the Tao dedicates himself diligently,

The average student upon hearing of the Tao, practices when ever he remembers,

The Foolish students upon hearing of the Tao laughs out loud.

Without out laughter there would be no Tao.

How much can we learn if we aren't willing to laugh?

Mucho amor Y paz,

Iztac Metztli.

Grandmother. (an excerpt)

Grandmother blesses me with her hands as she taps the top of my head lovingly.

I sit on the floor next to her feet, her warmth falling over me as I stare at the codice in my lap.

"Que estas leyendo?"
I tell her I'm studying, show her the images and tell her what I've learned.

She says she's happy I'm learning these ancient ways.

Grandmother, Vela, gets me. Understands and supports even without my explaining.

I want to sit with her for hours. Wish her hands could always bless me. This curved backed, strong willed, 91 year old woman draws pictures of cats and flowers on napkins, paints dreams and tells me about my great grandmother without my asking.

Sometimes I wish I could hold her in my palm. Tiny Vela snuggled against my chest as I return all the warmth and love she's ever given.

When she cries my heart splinters, my lungs swell, if only I could fit her in my palm...

"When I die," she says as she crochets a yellow tea cup, "I want you to burn me and offer me to a river or give me to a tree."

No one wants to hear her when she talks like this.

" AMA! YA!"

I understand that our greatest responsibility to our Elders is to help them pass. For as much as it hurts me, I open my heart and listen.

When I was little she showed me her rings and said, "This is the one you'll take when I die."

In my limited understanding of death and in my selfish want, I thought, "I can't wait until I get that ring."

Now whenever I look at her delicate translucent hands, I think, "I can wait forever and even after. I don't care if I ever get that ring."

But I know that when the time comes I'll wear it. I'll look at my hands and wish I had my grandmother instead.

When I was a teenager I used to say I didn't want children. I always knew I'd have them but never wanted them.. I thought I'd never be ready for such a sacred responsibility.

Vela would shout at me, "What kind of person doesn't want children!?"

I would look at my fingers and think, "Maybe she's right... Who will keep my jewelry?"

Who will I give my grandmothers ring to? Who will carry the both of us on her hand snuggled against her chest?

Now that we're both older I worry.

I want her to meet my children. The father of my children.

She doesn't rush me.

But I feel it in my heart.

I need her to meet him. Need her to confirm and bless my decision. If only I wasn't so picky... sooo specific...

Without stopping from her crochet she asks me, "Do you have a boyfriend?"

"No."

"That's good. You're a lot like me, I wasn't very interested in men. I didn't get married until I was in my thirties."

My heart panics. I want to say, "I don't have until my thirties if I want you to meet him."

Instead I say, "I respect myself too much to be with just anyone."

Vela pauses between a stitch. "You can never respect yourself TOO much. When your grandfather was trying to win me over he never tried to kiss me because he knew I'd punch him in the mouth!"

We laugh

"Ai, Vela. I really am like you because that's something I would do."

"But I let him hold my hand!"

I go back to thinking. I want to one day hand my baby to my grandmother. Want her to bless my child with her hands the way she's blessed me. I want to say, "This is the woman who inspires me. The one who's loved me unconditionally. This who I want to become. This is my grandmother."

Noticing how quiet I get Vela decides to joke, "Some times I wonder if your grandfather will be waiting for me in Heaven... but then I remember he was a widow and that he'll be with his other wife... He'll probably wave and say, "Sorry! Bye bye!" "

"VELA!"

"Well, It's true... your grandfather was a good man but he wasn't a very good husband."

I worry that if she's not around I'll make the same mistake... End up with a man who's always somewhere else, never with his wife and children.

There seems to be a curse on the women in our family going back to my great grandmothers

Always good men but never good husbands.

"Oh but I don't regret it. If it weren't for him I wouldn't have had my children and I wouldn't have met my grand children or my great grand children."

I don't tell her but I can't bring myself to that understanding... If it's going to be like that I'd rather not get married.

Fasting/Developing a relationship with the things that Nourish us.

A handful of people have come up to me asking questions about fasting. Is it safe? Why do you do it? What do you learn? etc.

Let me start off with this. I can't wait to fast again. CAN'T WAIT.
During my last 3 day fast/water prayer I developed such a deep connection to the water that
on the last day of my fast I wanted to cry. I felt like I was saying good bye to my grandmother or leaving Mexico after a month long visit. When you depend on one thing for nourishment you inevitably develop a relationship, a very intimate one.

There's SO MUCH I learned while fasting but I'm going to break it down and keep it simple.
I learned how completely water takes care of us.

I learned that we survive on more that just food. That there is a much deeper spiritual existence and the nourishment that really allows us to survive is the one that comes from beyond this limited physical concept. I learned that we actually don't need to eat half as much as we do and that apart from that we're mostly just dehydrated and misinterpret our thirst for hunger. Drink water!

Honestly if you spend however many days not eating and don't end up with a deep appreciation for the element that's taking care of you then you're probably not focused enough or should reevaluate your reasons for doing it. This is when I think it gets dangerous. When we do it with out understanding then we leave ourselves in a place that is vulnerable to injury. Listen to your body, there's nothing it doesn't tell you. Listen to your spirit, there's also nothing it doesn't tell you.

I felt utterly broken on my second day and I listened. I learned that it wasn't my body that was breaking, it was something far more internal. My body was only responding to my emotions and when I identified that I was able to come to terms with all this crazy ugly baggage. After that I was fine, never in my life have I had as much energy then on the last day of my fast.

Let's not forget that our bodies are different and the way we receive information/spiritual nourishment also varies. If it feels dangerous stop doing it. Just Listen.

Another big lesson was being aware of how I interacted with others. Fasting (whether from eating or sleeping) leaves you in an almost hypersensitive state. In situations where I would usually explode with anger I was surprising able to analyze and stop myself. (You'd think it'd be the reverse) Because I was aware of how sensitive I was, I was able to step back, breath in and let go.

Be Aware of how being with others makes you feel and if it's too much limit the interaction. The best moments for me where the solitary ones.

Fasting is different for all of us. The only thing I can share is my experience. So for those of you wondering I hope it helps. For those of you who were leaning on the judgmental side, I know its hard to understand something that's foreign but at the end of day if it's not hurting you or anyone else then please be respectful.

Like I said, I can't wait to fast.

So until then..

Mucho amor Y paz,

Iztac Metztli.