Growth and Grounding.

I find myself redefining, restructuring and returning... a lot of Re's... Starting over, learning lessons. Re-establishing a stable sense of self that was some how lost during that hectic transition of teenage years to adulthood.
I am seating myself in my path. I feel like a rock, like earth, steady and strong. I am looking at myself with utmost clarity, translucent like water. What are my necessities? My passions? What gives me my greatest sense of fulfillment? The answer is synonymous with service to others. Every thing I do, I do because I believe that I am here to give and guide. To love and grow. So here I am, almost 25, contemplating life and how I can best intertwine this need & passion for serving others, with something that is economically sustainable. I am tired of part times, of starving artist wages, of doing what I love but having that love tainted with concerns of, "Am I going to be able to pay rent on time?"
I recognize that a lot of these struggles in my earlier years had a lot to do with my inability to merge my spiritual world with the modern world. I mean, I just wanted to be a Buddhist monk who gave and didn't have to worry about silly concerns like material possessions and money. I didn't know how to reconcile those two worlds. I only wanted to give and I wanted to give for free. Now, I know better. Even if I want to give for free I can't. It blows. SUCKS. I still wish I could give for free. However my idealism has been tempered and I recognize that although my spiritual life comes first I have to be able to feed myself as well.

I have also had to recognize that A LOT of this struggle has also had to do with a deep rooted lack of self confidence. Never questioning my passion but constantly questions my ability. Am I good enough? Settling for bare bone part times was safe, I didn't have to face my highest potential. I was intimidated by the responsibility, what if I failed? I see the value of my hard work, my dedication, my immense love for youth work and I know that I am able. There's still that little voice in the back of my head but I've quieted it and have come to accept my strength. So I'm looking at Masters programs, PhD's so that I can refine my passion. Further develop my expertise so that I can TRULY be here as a tool for the service of others and especially for the young people I see myself reflected in (which will have to be an entirely different post for another day because I can write about it for pages.)

I have also found that I am no longer afraid of bearing scars and traumas. I name them in order to release them. Abuse in all it's nasty shades has sprouted wings and flown off, these lessons have left behind seeds. I find myself diligently planting. I will no longer allow these cycles to repeat themselves; new cycles are being nurtured.  I am ready to love and be loved, to know and be known. I've been analyzing past relationships and while they are getting better, they've all ended the same way, "I'm not ready." There I go, opening my heart, trusting, falling naively and then winding up devastated afterwards. F*** BLEEEP BLEEP BLEEP. I could feel sorry for myself and while I have indeed cried (a lot) I'm being unbiased,  recognizing patterns and taking ownership.

I believe that the people in our lives are reflections of ourselves and that all circumstances are lessons. So, I'm learning my lessons. If I keep winding up with individuals who at the end of the day run away, who are emotionally unavailable then what does that say about me? I've had to dig deep. I've had to face things that for most of my life I preferred to leave buried. Sexual abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse. I ran away from facing these facts and how can I ever have healthy loving relationships if I can't heal the things that have hurt me. I understand that these trauma's have limited the extent to which I trust, the way I love and imposed fear that has limited me. Am I really ready to be loved if, again, I chose people who are emotionally unavailable. Can I really be angry if I ignore the red flags but pursue anyway? Classic self fulfilling prophecy.

The good thing is this; I am no longer running away and I am ready to be loved; more so I'm ready to be with some one is ready to be loved. There is no more hiding and it's beautiful really, because now I'm free to enter into a relationship that lies in truth. I'm ready for a partnership. I've learned, that I am ready to enter a deep spiritual union. I'm done with casual relationships. Now that I've put that out into the Universe I'm probably going to be single for a VERY VERY long time or maybe all the commit-a-phobes will stay away and make room for some realness.

I am in pursuit of structure, setting myself in my path, being a rock. Service to others, Masters/PhD, partnership. In the mean time I'm also staying present. Loving every moment, the stillness, the one-ness, friendships, self-ships. Coming to know my necessities, my behaviors and my heart.

So here I am, Re-defining, re-loving, re-turning (turning the wheel and staying in movement), and re-establishing.


Much amor Y paz,
                             Iztac Metztli.