Neurotic whirlwind

WARNING: This is a rant, turn around now.

The last month has been really difficult. (Theme song: Help! by the Beatles)
At 23 I seriously feel like I'm having a mid life crisis.
This need to define, place, ground, plant myself in my path. I want to run away, bury myself in another country, I want to dance until my feet turn dust and there's nothing left of my body but smoking particles, let me get lost in a forest and come back 7 years later full of wisdom and ready to guide...

This has been my brain for the last couple of days,
Oh god, I need a job that pays at least 30 grand/I should be getting a Masters/I shouldn't be struggling to pay rent,bills and food and I should definitely have a bunch of fancy little cat toys for children (yes my cats are my children.)/I should be living up to my potential/I should have a name for myself artistically/Is this all there is?/I should be established and grounded in my spiritual path/I should be a Buddhist Monk by now/ full fledged water carrier/Why am I so behind?/Why am I not doing what I'm supposed to with my life/Why is my metabolism changing?/OH GOD PLEASE if I can't eat cheese any more I'm going to die..

Most importantly WHY ARE NONE OF MY 20 SOMETHING YR OLD FRIENDS GOING THROUGH THIS TOO?

Why, dear god, am I the only one feeling this way?

Apparently at this age, I'm supposed to be a broke struggling artist and I should just relax, take it easy, let go of the pressure. I can't relax. *insert flip out*
But why am I flipping out?
Why have I not fully stepped into my writerhood? Why have I left my hundreds of pages locked in my office, never submitting, never placing myself out there in that surrealistic writer zone. Where is my book? My short stories? My collection of Poetry?

Then there's the fact that when I was 12 I wanted to be a Buddhist Monk. Now at 23 I still want to be a Buddhist Monk... I know what you're thinking... "Wait, Whaaaaaaaaaa?"
I find myself in deep need of guidance and maybe this what it all comes down to. Needing guidance and not just in Buddhism but in everything I wish to accomplish.
I believe with all that I am that I'm meant to be here for the service of others and the fact that I'm not actively engaging this aspect of my life has left me struggling. The fact that the universe keeps throwing me a bunch of distractions and that I've allowed myself to get distracted has also left me disappointed with myself. This is something I need to do, whether or not I become a monk or a lay monk is yet to be determined.

*DEEP BREATH*
I'm trying very hard to remind myself that all the pressure I feel is the pressure I'm placing on myself. I might feel like I'm drowning, like I need to step up now or it'll never happen but really if I shut my thoughts up long enough I can hear the universe saying "Hey, remember the things you want to do. Start planting the seeds and don't worry it takes time for things to grow and that's okay."
Over watering doesn't help the process it just kills the plant... so... I guess I'll relax, seat myself in patience and trust that I'm being guided by something greater. I'm learning a serious lesson in faith right now, and for as much as I want to fight it, where I am is where I'm supposed to be.

Mucho amor Y paz,
Iztac Metztli.