Grandmother. (an excerpt)

Grandmother blesses me with her hands as she taps the top of my head lovingly.

I sit on the floor next to her feet, her warmth falling over me as I stare at the codice in my lap.

"Que estas leyendo?"
I tell her I'm studying, show her the images and tell her what I've learned.

She says she's happy I'm learning these ancient ways.

Grandmother, Vela, gets me. Understands and supports even without my explaining.

I want to sit with her for hours. Wish her hands could always bless me. This curved backed, strong willed, 91 year old woman draws pictures of cats and flowers on napkins, paints dreams and tells me about my great grandmother without my asking.

Sometimes I wish I could hold her in my palm. Tiny Vela snuggled against my chest as I return all the warmth and love she's ever given.

When she cries my heart splinters, my lungs swell, if only I could fit her in my palm...

"When I die," she says as she crochets a yellow tea cup, "I want you to burn me and offer me to a river or give me to a tree."

No one wants to hear her when she talks like this.

" AMA! YA!"

I understand that our greatest responsibility to our Elders is to help them pass. For as much as it hurts me, I open my heart and listen.

When I was little she showed me her rings and said, "This is the one you'll take when I die."

In my limited understanding of death and in my selfish want, I thought, "I can't wait until I get that ring."

Now whenever I look at her delicate translucent hands, I think, "I can wait forever and even after. I don't care if I ever get that ring."

But I know that when the time comes I'll wear it. I'll look at my hands and wish I had my grandmother instead.

When I was a teenager I used to say I didn't want children. I always knew I'd have them but never wanted them.. I thought I'd never be ready for such a sacred responsibility.

Vela would shout at me, "What kind of person doesn't want children!?"

I would look at my fingers and think, "Maybe she's right... Who will keep my jewelry?"

Who will I give my grandmothers ring to? Who will carry the both of us on her hand snuggled against her chest?

Now that we're both older I worry.

I want her to meet my children. The father of my children.

She doesn't rush me.

But I feel it in my heart.

I need her to meet him. Need her to confirm and bless my decision. If only I wasn't so picky... sooo specific...

Without stopping from her crochet she asks me, "Do you have a boyfriend?"

"No."

"That's good. You're a lot like me, I wasn't very interested in men. I didn't get married until I was in my thirties."

My heart panics. I want to say, "I don't have until my thirties if I want you to meet him."

Instead I say, "I respect myself too much to be with just anyone."

Vela pauses between a stitch. "You can never respect yourself TOO much. When your grandfather was trying to win me over he never tried to kiss me because he knew I'd punch him in the mouth!"

We laugh

"Ai, Vela. I really am like you because that's something I would do."

"But I let him hold my hand!"

I go back to thinking. I want to one day hand my baby to my grandmother. Want her to bless my child with her hands the way she's blessed me. I want to say, "This is the woman who inspires me. The one who's loved me unconditionally. This who I want to become. This is my grandmother."

Noticing how quiet I get Vela decides to joke, "Some times I wonder if your grandfather will be waiting for me in Heaven... but then I remember he was a widow and that he'll be with his other wife... He'll probably wave and say, "Sorry! Bye bye!" "

"VELA!"

"Well, It's true... your grandfather was a good man but he wasn't a very good husband."

I worry that if she's not around I'll make the same mistake... End up with a man who's always somewhere else, never with his wife and children.

There seems to be a curse on the women in our family going back to my great grandmothers

Always good men but never good husbands.

"Oh but I don't regret it. If it weren't for him I wouldn't have had my children and I wouldn't have met my grand children or my great grand children."

I don't tell her but I can't bring myself to that understanding... If it's going to be like that I'd rather not get married.